If I wasn't Orthodox, we'd elope. Seriously.

I've helped so many friends plan their weddings that the planning part is no mystery and holds no anxiety for me. What gets me is the expectations foisted upon me (and the hunky scientist) by the industry and by the women I know who have sipped that particular shade of Kool-Aid. I admit I'm a crankypants when it comes to this kind of thing. The sound of someone swooning over the perfect lace-festooned guest book, or fake-diamond-encrusted "wedding shoes" makes me bolty and the sight of wedding supply catalogs makes me need to chew Tums.

The wedding industry tells me I need to spend at least $700 to look halfway decent on the big day, that I need engraved wedding invitations in a hue that matches my bridesmaids' dresses, that I have to order my bridesmaid's dresses with shoes dyed to match, that I have to have more than 1 bridesmaid, that my fiance is a dunderhead who has no taste and who shouldn't be trusted with anything except maybe renting a tux, that I need to worry about white--not wooden--chairs at the reception (not to mention bows for the backs of those chairs), that I need to purchase just the right centerpieces for each table, that I need to tell everyone where to sit, that I should set up interesting candy stations or photo booths or whatever so our guests won't be bored. It's enough to make me want to elope. And we would, if it wouldn't set me at odds with my church.

I know someone who swallowed all that wedding industry folderol whole and flapping. She wasn't a bridezilla, but she was a glass-eyed adherent to the big lie. Her wedding was perfect. But it wasn't because of all the stress and work she put into every last tiny detail. It was because she and her man were married with their family and friends standing 'round them, and then there was a nice shindig. I guess my definition of "perfect" is pretty loose.

The hunky scientist and I are planning our wedding together, every step of the way. We don't want to stage an Event. We just want to get married and have dinner with our friends afterward. I'm thrilled to report that as of last night we have sewn up about 45 percent of the details of our wedding. It's a huge relief.